You courted God’s way, had a beautiful wedding, actively serve in your church community, have a beautiful home and family, and from the outside looking in, it appears you are living your best life…
But underneath the hustle and bustle of ministry and family life lies the sobering reality of a husband and wife who have become nothing more to each other than ships passing in the night.
How and why could this have happened? Most importantly, how do we restore our marriages to the original way our Father had intended?
Here are four key considerations to will help us get our marriages back in alignment with God and each other:
- REALIZE
The enemy is seeking to divide and conquer. We have to know that God has already defeated him, and only once we understand how big God is will our peace return to us. One of the best ways to fight for our marriage is to make our spouse a priority again.
That means we have to come into some realization, and it means we have to learn to manage our time better…
Balance is critical! If our whole week requires meetings, worship team rehearsals, counseling sessions, and kids’ activities, so we don’t find ourselves without a moment for our spouses.
Never let missed quality time become a habit. We have to learn to say no to ministry requests sometimes. Yes, those of us in ministry are “called,” but that doesn’t mean we answer “the call” while our families suffer.
We have to prioritize what is a crisis call, and what can wait for an answer tomorrow! We have to REALIZE the importance and priority of the call.
According to Barna’s “The State of Pastors” Research Release of 2017, “pastors who are high on burnout risk are more likely to rate their marriage as average or below average.”
In this study, the same was true for pastors who ranked high on “spiritual risk” based on the Barna Metric System, used to score pastoral satisfaction, as well.
Moreover, the enemy will take every opportunity to utilize rifts, ruts, and the distance between our spouses and us as distractions to keep us from completing our assignment together as Kingdom couples.
If we are too busy fighting each other, how can we gain ground for the Kingdom? How can we defend ourselves against idols, demonic schemes, or people who may come to tear our union asunder?
We have to ask ourselves, when was the last time I filled my spouse’s “love tank?” When was the last time I got filled?
The tension and distress in our homes could be the result of forgetting how to best love and serve each other. In the case of being in ministry, and how weighty that can sometimes be, your spouse’s engine may be running on fumes if their love tank is empty.
In times of pressure and fatigue, our flesh, insecurities, and imagination fueled by whispers from the enemy can further gang up on us, causing us to be upset at things that aren’t even real or amplify issues. These issues can encounter a solution with a little wisdom and understanding.
- RECOGNIZE
We cannot fight for our marriages solely in our strength. Just because we hold ministry positions or positions of leadership doesn’t mean we’re above help and support.
“Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Proverbs 13:10
Don’t be afraid to ask for help from God, leaders, and therapists. Don’t let the stigma of therapy (in church or out of the church) keep you from getting help.
Fast together and pray together. When looking at the mental and emotional space between us and our husband or wife, there is almost always a spiritual distance too. We must ask ourselves, are we still praying together as much as we did while courting? Do we even pray together at all?
We very well can find ourselves with hands lifted in surrender on Sunday mornings, but, at home, there’s just no time. That’s why we must RECOGNIZE these little shifts, and begin to prioritize healthy habits!
- REMEMBER
We have to REMEMBER why we said yes. We married our best friend, not an opponent.
Firstly, keep in mind your own need for grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Matthew 5:7 says, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.”
Sometimes the healing doesn’t start on both ends. But God’s Word promises us a great ending!
Switch gears by completing marriage-building devotions together. We have to get back to our purpose together! Prioritize date nights. Don’t neglect each other’s physical needs. We can steer connection and reintroduce intimacy to help put our relationship back on the right track.
- REINFORCE
We must REINFORCE the mission and vision for our marriage.
We must speak words of life to our spouse on a daily basis, appealing to their love language.
A great way to help in this area is to join a support group or get a successful married mentor in ministry. Go on a marriage retreat or attend webinars together.
No matter how far gone, we may feel our marriage is, or even if divorce is a thought or discussion, God can restore anything!
He has promised in Isaiah 61:7, “Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”
Even if our marriages seem perfectly fine, don’t wait until things get bad to do something about it. It’s better to be proactive than reactive when it comes to our purpose and destiny individually and within a Kingdom marriage.
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33
