Co-parenting. Is it possible to do so successfully?
The easy answer is yes, absolutely. The question that puzzles most people is, “but how?”
Raising children in this day and age is challenging enough — but what happens when you have to raise children with a person that you are no longer married to or in a relationship with?
Welcome to the world of co-parenting. Co-parenting is simply sharing the duties of parenting a child (or children) between a separated/divorced or previously unmarried couple. By definition, that seems easy and quite simple but, for most, it may be quite the opposite. For some, it might even be a complete and utter nightmare.
Everywhere we look in today’s society, there are illustrations of “baby mama/baby daddy drama” portrayed (and even glorified) in reality shows or television sitcoms, movies, music, and social media. Even in everyday life, we ourselves have experienced it, or know someone who is going through it.
But does co-parenting have to be a life of drama, ongoing child support disputes, and shouting matches? Or is there a better way to raise your child(ren) together based not on disagreement but instead on peace, love, and harmony?
To co-parent successfully and healthily, it takes two mature individuals who understand and have a common goal of wanting the absolute best for their child(ren).
To have a child’s best in mind means that — though their parents are no longer together — they will see their parents displaying positive and righteous attitudes and behaviors toward each other. It means they will see Jesus show up in their parents (because, truthfully, we cannot depend on our own strength as humans alone; it requires that we receive His grace first).
In order to co-parent successfully, here are eight key tips to keep in mind:
1. Heal and forgive: Before both parties can successfully move forward with co-parenting in a healthy way, there has to be a release of the past. If there is a need for therapy or counseling to work through issues from the past, please seek out the assistance. Your future and your children’s future will thank you.
2. Respect your child’s mother or father: This includes greeting one another, not being rude or condescending toward the other. Be polite and courteous. Respect each other’s feelings — even if (and especially when) you don’t see eye to eye.
3. Communicate: Don’t assume anything; rather, talk about everything. Ask questions, and be open and honest with each other. The more clarity, the more understanding. Some things can be said via text, but always have important conversations over the phone (or even better, face to face). For example:: parenting goals, schedules, underlying issues, discipline, etc.
4. Be humble: Be quick to say “sorry” if you did not respond to the other appropriately toward the other parent. Forgive quickly and completely if the other parent did not handle something well. Understand that no one is perfect — mistakes will be made, but the important thing is to rectify and move forward.
5. Establish boundaries: This goes back to communicating and having respect toward one another. Know each other’s boundaries and respect them.
6. Work as a team: You are not each other’s enemy. You are teammates that should have one common goal and that is to raise healthy, whole, and successful child(ren), who know they are deeply valued and loved. Like in sports, in which the team’s goal is to get the ‘win,’ your focal point for your children’s future should be to win by working together effectively.
7. Be friends: You do not have to be best friends but you must genuinely want the best for each other and support one another in your individual pursuits and goals. Pray for each other, because Jesus calls us to pray always. When the parents win, the children win.
8. Seek wise counsel: When navigating the tough terrain of co-parenting, you need mature people around you both to offer wise and godly counsel. Allow yourself to be held accountable to someone who will steer you correctly in those moments when you desperately want to respond in the flesh, rather than the Spirit.
Having a healthy and successful co-parenting relationship takes work, just like any other relationship, but it can be done. It doesn’t have to be filled with weekly screaming matches and TV-worthy drama, but it will take two people being strategic and intentional.
You have to be willing to die to yourself daily just like the word of God teaches us …
… Which includes making sacrifices, listening more and talking less, seeking wisdom and understanding, surrounding yourself with accountability, and — most importantly — being led by God in prayer and His Word.
In submitting yourself to the Holy Spirit, you will find co-parenting to be more successful than if you were to go at it alone, without God. And, even further, in submitting yourself to the Holy Spirit, your children will be blessed (for we see the fruit of the Spirit in our submission to His leadership, as in Galatians 5:22).
Find peace beyond human comprehension in Him, and abide by the Word: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
