It is important to understand that we all have had experiences that have shaped us into who we are as men and women. Some of these life experiences may have negatively impacted us — and we now risk the probability of bringing various dysfunction into our current and future relationships.
An issue that many of us struggle with today is trauma as a result of fatherlessness. Specifically for males, when there is no clear role model figure in the house growing up, boys become men with unhealthy perceptions that they learn in error from the world’s systems. Fatherlessness is not a new thing, but often we see how our childhood affects our personhood only once we seek to engage in more intimate relationships. One can see how this may lead to abusive, manipulative, or unhealthy relationships because of a lack in the fundamental building blocks of childhood role models.
Other examples may be a woman that may have been taken advantage of sexually that could end up harbouring trust issues towards men, and perhaps even resentment around sexual intimacy. Fatherlessness can, unfortunately, cause women to relate to others in unhealthy manners based on the lack of healthy teachings about womanhood and acceptance. Young girls will often test their femininity and develop a false identity based on their experiences with their fathers — and the absence of a father can make any heart calloused and broken.
Trauma and dysfunctional behavior can range from verbal, emotional, physical, to spiritual abuse that will undoubtedly shape to some extent the lens through which we view those closest to us. It can become very difficult to build a strong relationship with someone when we are a fraction of ourselves and operating from a place of pain. Dealing with past hurts and traumas is a necessary step that needs to be done before entering a relationship.
We never want unconfronted skeletons in our closets, as they often create friction at some point in our close relationships. There are some milestones within relationship that we cannot reach without being self aware and vulnerable and honest about our past and our childhood. We must do the work to uncover pain in order to move into a place of wholeness.
Here are some key components to help us work through our past and grow to become a more healthy friend, partner, and future spouse:
- Sit down and do life with people that know and understand you.
- When talking through tough issues gets tough, don’t quit.
- Invest in a journal and write down the thoughts and feelings of old that are triggering. These places that trigger you are often places that provide some insight into many of the problem areas that need to be dealt with.
- It is okay not to be okay. Working through these issues with a trusted loved one can help us regain feelings of security.
- Do not hesitate to find more professional help when needed. Dealing with childhood traumas often requires strong support from loved ones, and counseling is an effective place to work through those issues.
- Shake yourself free so that you can move on — unhindered.
The heart of this article is to make us more aware that our places of pain and unresolved childhood issues affect both men and women in any relationship. Working through our problems strengthens the bond of our relationships and helps prepare us to be healthy husbands, wives, and parents.
All relationships must be built with intention and we cannot hope to build a healthy structure with holes at the foundation. We don’t ever want to risk the entire structure collapsing on itself because we refuse to take another look at its core and make adjustments with the help of God and others. Dealing with childhood events can make or break any relationship. Let’s vow to work through the past with patience and compassion for ourselves.
May our Heavenly Father fill our voids and heal us to move forward in a way that is healthy, and in manner that brings Him glory through the way we love.
