We often treat premarital counseling like a college course — we sign up, take notes, complete the course, and unconsciously give ourselves a “passing grade” based upon how much information we retained. We leave with a mental study guide — a repertoire of strategies — ready to graduate us from engagement and move us on to becoming marriage masters. But the real test comes after we boldly proclaim the words, “I do.”
As I approach the end of my first year of marriage, my perspective has taken a major shift. If you like me, do well on most performance based tasks — perhaps you have also been thrown for a loop when something does not come effortlessly to you. Or maybe you are thrown for a loop when you have to consider your areas of weakness — I mean truly sit with your shortcomings, stare them in the face, and address them.
Brothers and sisters, I present you with a harsh reality: There is no such thing as mastering marriage.
No amount of prayer, fun, cooking, traveling, sex, kind deeds, or making memories together will lead us married folks to mastery status. “I do” is a commitment to being tested on a daily basis. These tests shed light on the bigger issue at the core of any marital relationship: the brokenness of ourselves and our spouses.
Each of us enters into marriage at the baggage claim area. We claim the bags that we have carried with us throughout our lifelong journeys. Perhaps it is a bag of anxiety that came from trauma in your childhood. Perhaps it is a bag of depression from the feelings of never measuring up. Perhaps it is a bag of fear of getting close to someone, because you’ve never gotten past loss and grief from your loved one dying. Perhaps it is a bag of insecurity, resulting from so many past rejections. Or perhaps it is a bag that is busting at the seams with anger, built up from all of the times that you or people you love failed to meet an unrealistic expectation of relational perfection.
No matter what kind of load is occupying your luggage, marriage unzips the bag and brings it out. These repressed hurts are revealed at the most unanticipated times — in our desires, disagreements and discontentment. On any given day, the dirty laundry that both of you are keeping in your bags will cause a stench.
But, the good news is that we can unpack our loads before they weigh us down.
Our Creator knows that we are imperfect and in constant need of balancing our minds and altering our behaviors. Scripture gives us countless remedies for relational issues, but let us consider four truths that can help us prevent our baggage from weighing down our marriages. Let’s refer to these truths as “the four R’s” to commit them to memory:
1. Remove the plank from your own eye. We all have dark or hardened areas in our hearts. Before we point a finger of shame at our spouse, we must do some introspection. Jesus reminds us of the importance accepting responsibility for our shortcomings.“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7: 3-5). We must be sure that we are not the one suffering from impaired vision.
2. Recognize the true enemy. Repeat after me: “Neither of us are the problem. Two sinful hearts are the problem.” It is true that we all have the ability to make choices, however, there is something greater in the universe that is influencing us. “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). The enemy wants us to look at other people as our enemies, but this is a distraction and disguise. The root of our darkness is a spiritual issue, not a physical issue.
3. Remind yourself of what is going well. There is an old quote that says, “You get more of what you choose to focus on.” This is most relevant when it comes to our view of the people we interact with the most. Because we spend the majority of our time with our spouses, we have a front row seat into one another’s lives. This means we get to identify strengths, but we are also exposed to weaknesses. In the midst of a disagreement, it is our nature to default to listing all of the negative things we can about our spouse in order to validate ourselves. What if we shifted our focus to what is going well between us or what they are doing well as an individual? God knows that gratitude redirects our focus: “…Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, meditate on these things” (Philippians 4:8).
4. Reconcile in the same way that Christ does. I will let the power in these truths speak for themselves.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22).
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning” (Lamentations 3: 22-23).
And so, my brothers and sisters, it all boils down to this: Drop your load. Unpack your baggage. Run your race — together — without being weighed down.
