We all face conflict — married or not. It’s part of being human, but conflict in marriage is one of a particular kind …Here’s how to knock out the issues (instead of your spouse).
Since conflict in marriage is inevitable (and, a good thing, if it’s healthy!), you must properly prepare for it.
No, you can not determine the day, time, or issue that will arise, but you can determine how you will handle it … especially when you are inclined to handle them inappropriately (you know, like you’re in a street fight).
In the flesh, you’ll likely respond to confrontation without regard for honor — or boundaries.You will want to have “comeback statements” that will knock the breath out of your spouse. You will want to respond in ways that make you feel like you won the fight.
However, it is important to remember that, when you do face a conflict in marriage (for the time will come)you must engage in conflict by the Spirit — and not your own agenda.
You must handle confrontation like a boxer — abiding by rules and boundaries — versus a street fighter, in which you win by any means necessary. In marriage, this means someone always loses (and since you are “one flesh” in a marriage, you both ultimately lose).
Here are some rules and boundaries that will help you have healthy conflict — and stay married.
1. Understand who the enemy is.
This means your spouse is never the enemy.
Sometimes you may feel like your fight is against the “flesh and blood” of your spouse, but it’s not. The enemy is the cause of discord in your marriage, therefore, you must remember to attack the issue, not your spouse.
When you approach disagreements in this manner, it means you are on the same team, fighting for (or against) the same thing.
When you focus on the issue, you are more likely to focus on the goal. The goal is to come up with a solution — not win an argument.
2. Do not hit below the belt.
If you find yourself having a “heated conversation” with your spouse, be mindful of what you say — for the tongue is comparable to a sword, the Bible says.
That means no trash talking; simply refuse to call each other names. Calling your spouse anything other than their name is dishonoring, destructive, and no matter what the nursery rhyme states … words do hurt.
Words can make your spouse feel defeated, unheard, and unloved. You want to knock out the issue, not your spouse.
3. Put on your “love gloves.”
When resolving conflict, your primary goal should always be to show love.
Spouses come from different upbringings and are taught to resolve issues differently. Instead of thinking “your way is the only way,” respect your spouse and come up with a solution that works for the both of you.
Remember, love is patient, love is kind … Those attributes must be be displayed even when the intensity of the conversation rises. Love never fails, and if conflicts are approached with love, your marriage will find strength and growth in the confrontation — rather than destruction.
4. Call in a referee, if need be.
Marriages can go through cycles in which the same issues keep arising (editor’s note: have you considered signing up for the #BreakTheCycleChallenge?).
Most of the time, repetitive problems are due to poor conflict resolution skills. If this occurs, it may be time to call in a referee. The referee should be someone you both trust, who is going to be fair, and will help you find a solution.
This person can be a counselor, trusted mutual friend, pastor, or a mediator.
Proverbs 11:14 states “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”
You may have been told to keep people out of your marriage. However, this is a lie from the enemy to keep you and your spouse isolated; you must keep the wrong people out of your marriage. It is very important to have the right people in your life so you can receive godly counsel and wisdom.
5. Stay in the ring.
When conflicts arise, do not wave the white flag and forfeit the match …
… There will be spectators outside of the ring encouraging you to give up.
However, you must focus on the training God has given you. God prepares us for every battle. Scripture says, “We rejoice in our sufferings, for suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)
The issues you face may knock you down, but they will not knock you out, in the name of Jesus! It may be hard to see the victory behind the issue, but the truth is, you will come out victorious if you do not quit. Refuse to let your issues conquer you; instead, remember that you are more than a conqueror.
In times of conflict, remember to:
- Understand who the enemy is.
- Do not hit below the belt.
- Put on your “love gloves.”
- Call in a referee if need be.
- Stay in the ring.
When you said “I do,” you made the choice to step into the marriage ring.
That ring is filled with battles you will have to fight. But, stay the course …
… You are fighting a fixed fight. The judges are the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. As long as you live to please God and fight according to the rules (the Bible!) your marriage will remain undefeated.
