Whether single or married, we’ve all been hurt …
Hurt by friends, family, those we have dated or are currently dating, or even a spouse. When this happens, how we handle our feelings and emotions is critical.
We all have read 1 Corinthians 13 and learned all about God’s definition of love, but sometimes it isn’t always easy to do those things.
When the one we love cheats on us, lies, says or does something that causes deep hurt, how do we keep love alive?
How do we learn how to open our heart again, once we have experienced this kind of hurt? Learning to love others past how they hurt us is critical to loving God’s way.
I am reminded of a time, before I got married, when my now-husband had lied to me about a previous relationship he had. The reality was that the relationship predated me, and whatever the truth was about the relationship wasn’t my problem; it was the lying that hurt. I remember thinking “Great; now I have to break up with him because he lied to me.”
Past hurts, anger, and frustrations made it hard to love him past the pain …
Though I never left, God showed me that I had begun to treat him differently. I said I loved him, but stopped showing my love. I guess this was my way of paying him back or maybe it was my way of protecting myself.
All I knew was that I chose to stay because I did love him, but I didn’t know how to get past the hurt. After seeking God about what to do, He began to show me these seven steps to help me love past the hurt.
Step 1: Acknowledge that you’re hurting.
So often we will just put our hurt aside, whether for pride or due to embarrassment, or even not wanting the pain to be real, we will push it away.
The truth is when we sweep our hurt under the rug, it will build up.
Although we aren’t writing down what the person did, not acknowledging the hurt causes us to record the wrong and it always comes out at a later time. A good scripture for this is Hebrews 12:15.
If we don’t acknowledge our hurt, we leave room for roots of bitterness to form.
Step 2: Think about why that hurt you or is still hurting you.
Sometimes the reason for hurt is blatant, and other times it is not. When we get hurt, or the hurt lingers we need to ask ourselves … why does this still bother me?
Thinking about the hurt can help us trace it back to the root. In my case, it wasn’t just that he lied. It made me think of all the lies from my previous relationship — and even though it was his first, I anticipated many more to come.
For me, it continued to hurt me because I was afraid to be lied to again.
Step 3: Remember your past is your past.
We have to learn to leave our past behind us. Every situation we go through isn’t going to be like our past. Sometimes it’s better, and sometimes it’s worse, but each circumstance is its own.
Our past teaches us and can be used as a guide, but should not become a comparison tool in our new relationships.
Step 4: Give your heart to God and surrender your hurt to Him.
Let go and let God …
He says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. When we carry around the weight of our hurt, over time, it can deepen the hurt within our relationships.
Had I stayed on the path I was on, I might not be married to my husband, and I wouldn’t have been able to blame it solely on him hurting me.
When we surrender our hurt to God, He not only takes the burden on Himself, but He shows you how to let it go and love past the pain.
Step 5: Forgive the one who hurt you.
It can be a real challenge, but remember we are all sinners saved by grace. Just like we have experienced hurt, we have been guilty of hurting others.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:14 that if we forgive others, our sins also will be forgiven. Forgiveness is not for the other person, but rather it is for us.
When we let go of the debt we feel owed because of the hurt; we are free and no longer bound.
Step 6: Trust yourself not to hurt someone the way they hurt you.
Sometimes when we get hurt, we worry about the hurt we will cause others.
I had to choose honesty even though he lied. Don’t ever let someone else’s mistakes cause you to sin.
Remember vengeance is the Lord’s and when we stand on that belief, we will not bring harm to others.
Step 7: Watch your attitude.
When we experience hurt, it is easy to fall into a place of protection. This place of protection can cause our attitude and the way we treat others to shift. We can allow ourselves to get calloused towards others.
The Bible not only tells us to forgive over and over but it tells us to turn the other cheek. We sin, but God’s attitude and love for us will never change.
If we truly desire a Godly relationship, we have to learn to model His attitude.
Remember, to love past the hurt:
1. Acknowledge that you’re hurting or have been hurt.
2. Think about why that hurt you or is still hurting you.
3. Remember your past is your past.
4. Give your heart to God and surrender your hurt to Him.
5. Forgive the one who hurt you.
6. Trust yourself not to hurt someone the way they hurt you.
7. Watch your attitude.
